Friday, February 26, 2010

Coronary Death Caused by...Anxiety

Okay, so maybe I won't die from a coronary heart attack. I haven't eaten enough McDonald's chicken nuggets just yet. But maybe I can suffer from severe hair loss, caused by my having pulled my hair out handful by agonizing handful, or perhaps from suffering a fatal concussion as I ram my head for the hundredth time against my keyboard.

Have I described the pain of my anxiety enough that you understand the depth of my misery?

Oh dear God...the waiting is horridly painful.

The waiting and hearing nothing but utter silence is where as a writer, your patience, your courage, your faith are tested with the passing of each excruciating day.

Two weeks since I last sent my first queries (a query is simply a pitch) to 45+ agents...only to find out yesterday that my query had a typo! YES! A TYPO in the FIRST sentence!

Oh. My. God. was my first reaction. Followed by the irrational desire to stab myself in the face. Morbid, yes I know.

Perhaps this is why my inbox holds 19 - yes I repeat 19!! - rejection letters! Emails with messages like, "Not for me, thx", "I'm not the right agent to represent you", or "keep trying"...

Still...I hold hope. As it is, one agent has requested the reading of my full manuscript while another asked for the first three chapters. I anxiously await even more...for their feedback, hoping that by then, I may still have a full head of hair or to at least not have a swollen forehead from all the head-bashing, or even not to be so fully bloated as I have consumed my entire weight in coffee, chocolates, and ice cream.

On top of that, I've finally received some feedback after waiting patiently for my busy friends and family. I've managed to get bits and pieces of it...and pushing aside all the fantastic praises, I've uncovered the real truth...that my work is not even close to being finished. In fact, it seems that I really shouldn't have sent my manuscript out to possibly the only agent who might ask to read it because apparently, it's not yet perfect.

I know, one might say, "Well, you can't get something absolutely perfect on the first try." Well, for those of you who might say this, I figure I truly only have one shot to get this right on the first try...so damn it all if I don't give something perfect!

So I spent the entire day singing the "shit" song. You know...something like..."ohhh...shit, shit, shit...OMigod...shiiiiiiitttt!!!"

Breathe...

Alright. So, what to do...what to do. Pushing aside the massive amount of rejections and what is sure to be plenty more to come, I decided to rework the project. Originally it's written in past tense, you know..."he said", "she cried, murdered, punched, etc". Today I began reworking the first chapter only to discover..."Hmm...This would all read so much better if it was written in present tense." You know..."he says", "she cries, murders, punches, etc".

Well, crap.

I have 487 pgs to revise.

I don't think my hair will survive the end of this week, nor will my keyboard and hopefully not my brain so that I may be lucky enough put myself out of misery. Maybe I just might suffer a coronary attack. I don't know, how much ice cream do I need to eat to get there?

Okay...well...shit.

Breathe...

Anyway, thank you for being an outlet for my deranged rantings. If you don't hear from me in the next couple of weeks. Well...

I'm sure everything will be just fine...I'm putting the ice cream away right now, I swear!

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