My morning ritual is pretty simple. My alarm goes off, I roll around for a bit, covering my ears with my pillow and making horrible petulant crying sounds because I really, really don't want to get up. When I'm done cursing the hour, I reach for my phone, check my emails. And because I'm curious about any and all types of news, guess what I scroll through? Yep, Facebook. For me, it's a great source for finding the most diverse, and sometimes world impacting news. From sports, to crime, to personal life changes. People want to share what's going in the world and in their personal lives, and I'm open to reading about it. Stories feed my creative mind.
Last week, someone posted about the nature of fearlessness and began delving into what they believed to be it's true meaning. They opened with the concept of darkness.
"Darkness isn't anything but the absence of light. Fear can be seen as the same thing. It's the absence of love."
So they said. I had to think about this for a bit. I wasn't sure I necessarily agreed, though the idea of it is quite poetic. One can even say romantic.
"So I don't have to overcome the fear, battle the fear, be brave, and feel the fear and do it anyway. If enough love comes in, there is no more fear. Fear wasn't anything to begin with but the absence of love."
Ahh...And suddenly, it became more interesting.
As a writer, and when it comes to writing and wishing to become a published novelist, I've found myself in periods of my life faced with absolute fear. But I've also been in periods without even a moment of it entering my mind or my heart. Like I had this shield that was impenetrable because I knew with absolute certainty that this was my path. I can admit that at those times when I was blazing away page after page, writing as if I were possessed, I was in a phase of my life filled with so much love and a depthless amount of support that fear was just this small sensation that only people lacking in confidence experienced. My darkest hours were undoubtedly this past year, when I became intimately acquainted with Fear. I realized then just how not-so-small it was, and exactly just how powerful it could be. So powerful, it had the strength to incapacitate. It can make you question everything--especially yourself, and every belief you ever held that was right and true in this world.
Why does that matter, you might ask.
I've been struggling with what I've deemed to be a block. Not just a block, but a damn Wall of China that no matter what I did, I couldn't do as every writer suggested and "Sit down and just f*cking write." It matters because I am a writer. And when I'm not writing or building a story, I truly feel lost. It's an odd feeling. One I'm not sure I can describe justly. I simply feel incomplete. Like I am no longer able to do the one thing I was born on this earth to do. And I feared that I had lost this passion, this talent, this drive...forever. Who was I then? Who was I supposed to be if not a writer?
And so enters love. Love for myself and love from others--new and old. And with it a true breath of life I felt like I'd been holding, despairing as I watched the darkened sky from beneath the surface of the ocean, never knowing when and if I would ever breathe quite the same way again.
Because of that love, the wall that I'd been banging my head against, has finally begun to lift. Words are flowing from my fingers like they were always meant to be instruments of creation.
Currently, I'm working on the final touches of Violet Storm. NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, begins in November and I hope to make greater progress on White as Snow. The ultimate goal however, is to get VS ready for a writer's conference so I can pitch the manuscript to an agent, and decide from there whether to pursue the traditional publishing route or if self-publishing would be best for me.
I'll also be working on a video/documentary project with a good friend, Anthony Lew. Super excited for this! It'll be focusing on VS from concept to completed manuscript. Anthony and I hope to get started this month. And no promises, but Kyle says he might work on some illustrations for VS (he recently painted Ash in From the Ashes check it out via hyperlink). Always excited to see your work, Kyle! You are so talented. :)
With that, thank you as always for visiting! It's such a blessing to able to share these adventures with you all.
|Photo by Anthony Lew|